Why The Celtics Will Own The Playoffs

Duh! The Boston-grown Irish Mafia owns the Boston Celtics. Whatever the Mafia wants, the Mafia gets; therefore, the Celtics will win it all.

Have you not seen The Departed? The Irish owns everybody and everything. If you screw with them, they will cut your hand off, wrap it in a freezer bag and send it to your wife...with your wedding ring on it. They do what they please, when they please, no matter if the punishment fits the crime or not.

Wait...what crime? There is no crime. All the Boss has to do is breathe on your neck, and you will fall down to your knees.

But let's back up a bit. In the aftermath of the Cavs' demise to the Celtics, a friend of mine (I will not mention names for safety reasons) commented that LeBron definitely sold the outcome of Game-Six to someone because there was no way he willingly played like that. There was no way. He is just too good. I said, that's absolutely crazy! Who would pay him to throw away a very important game? Then she said, Someone with tons of cash and who betted huge on the Celtics. The money and betting would make sense, but my further research begged to differ.

Didn't Michael Jordan's father got murdered on the same year when The Bulls defeated The Suns on Game-Six to win the 1993 NBA Finals, becoming the first team to match the amazing Boston Celtics' legendary feat of winning three consecutive NBA championships? Did you really think the Irish Mafia would let something go just like that? Have someone else share the Throne of Awesomeness with the Celtics? Do you still think it was plain robbery-gone-wrong? I do not think so. Obviously, Michael Jordan refused to sell out Chicago (Midwest Mob, anyone?), so he had to get punished.

So now the Mafia has eliminated LeBron and the Cavs. Only Kobe and the Lakers stand in the way of yet another Celtic Dynasty. But how do you do it under the noses of the Angelinos? Simple. You team up with the second most influential family in the land: the Indian Casino Mob of the good ole AZ. Come in Los Suns, who not only bitterly lost several years ago but are also programmed to crush and humiliate Los Angeles. And you ask, why would they want to do that? Because California said they will boycott Arizona and its immigration policy.

And now the stage is set. The Mafia will win all their gambling money back, and the Mob will successfully humiliate them Lakers. But where does the Magic fit in? They are mere pawns. Who knows? Judging by the way they played on Game-One, it seems like the Mafia has already gotten to them.

Since Los Suns will have very little, if any, motivation to win it all after the Conference Finals, the Celtics will have no problems taking it all. The Mafia will simply continue extorting and harrassing their way to the Top, and the Casino Witch Doctors will still be on their celebratory fire-dance and animal sacrifice, days and days after the Lakers have crawled back into their mothers' wombs, not knowing that the Championship trophy is still up for grabs.

If you think they will be smart enough to keep the Mafia from winning it all, you are insane. Remember how The Conquistadores wiped out all the Mayan civilization? Something like that will likely happen.



[DISCLAIMER: if you think i'm being serious, think again.]