Old Age, Here We Come

it's june 13th. and it's also the first year anniversary of graduation. and i'm semi-celebrating it with Major Instigator and Maisterbate, except that they're sleeping two feet from this desk.

i don't know, but i suddenly felt alone. i'm with by my two best girl pals from college and i feel so alone. it doesn't even make sense.

for the longest time, i've been asking myself, is this what i had always wanted? am i where i thought i'd be right now? all i really want is to answer yes to at least one of these questions, but i can never lie to myself. i swear i've tried, but it just won't come out. No. no is the new yes. i really wish it wasn't, but i've lost control long ago. or maybe not. i don't really know.

my power animal is telling me to slide. but i keep saying no. slide. i won't slide. it's the only thing left to me, and i won't give in. i will not slide. i'm scared of the consequences if i do. it'll probably make me happy though. the bad news is, how do i know that for sure? so no. no is the new yes.

but most of all, i'm scared of what the future holds. what if none of my plans happens. what if i end up the loser. what if i never win anything, not even my happiness or peace of mind.

i tell people i can't sleep, and they always ask me why (even that guy from Home Depot!). a friend told me maybe i was like Fight Club. another friend said maybe my body wasn't processing the stuff i ate. another friend told me i was worrying too much. this friend asked me what was bothering me. i said nothing. because once again, no is the new yes, and i'm starting to get used to it.

but overall, it's been a fun day. hung out with my bestest girl pals, and now they're sleeping. soundly. haha. will i ever sleep (sober) like a normal person again? sometimes i envy those who do. i think you know what the answer is.